One of the hardest jobs an elder has is ministering to people as they are dying. Though it’s a profound privilege to be present in someone’s last days, the high calling can leave even the most experienced elder feeling out of his element.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. In his excellent video teaching on funerals and dying, available on BiblicalEldership.com, Bob Deffinbaugh shares five key things he has learned that can help you make the most of your visits with people in their last days.
1. Don’t pretend they aren’t dying.
In his book The Last Thing We Talk About, Joseph Bayly wrote that people think they’re doing the dying person a favor by avoiding talking about death—but he knows he’s dying, and ignoring reality only withholds the blessing of being able to prepare spiritually. Unbelievers especially need to know their days are limited because they need to believe in Christ for salvation before they die.
Minister to the dying as people who are still alive, even in a coma. Speak to them as though they hear, because they very well may. And if they are unsaved, speak the gospel.
Bob recalls the first funeral he conducted, for a woman who died of cancer. On the way to the funeral, her husband said to Bob, “She never knew she was about to die.” Bob begged to differ—she had talked about death with him every time he visited her because she wanted to be assured of what would happen to her after death.
2. Treat them like people.
A clinical environment can amplify the difficulty of death, so do what you can to make the atmosphere as homey as possible—and by all means, look the dying person in the eye. Bob recalls his grandmother’s last days, when many relatives would avoid looking at her as her hearing and eyesight diminished. “It was as though she was a non-person,” he said. “I vowed that I would look my grandmother in the eye. Even if she didn’t know who I was, she would know I was talking to her.”
3. Empathize with the caregivers.
Bob’s friend told him about a home visit where he passed the dying man’s wife in the hallway and asked her, “How are you doing?” Weeping, she answered, “Of all the people who came, not one asked me how I am doing.” While all the focus was on her husband, the soon-to-be widow was going through great anguish as well. As you minister to the dying, minister to their caregivers and loved ones, too.
4. Talk about the perplexing questions and eternal matters, not trivial things.
One day Bob arrived to visit a dying woman on a Sunday afternoon, after her Christian friends had just left. The friends had spent their time talking about the Dallas Cowboys football game, and the woman remarked to Bob, “Our conversation today was worthless.” A dying Christian doesn’t care about the outcome of a sporting event—she cares about the fact that she’s going to be with the Lord!
Don’t waste time on trivial things; step outside your comfort zone and talk about what matters. Ask the dying person what questions he or she might have about eternity. Encourage the dying believer to bring his or her focus to the good things that lie ahead as they prepare to see Jesus. (Joni Eareckson Tada’s book Heaven talks about Jesus in the context of heaven.)
5. Discuss the funeral.
What songs would they like to have sung at the service? What life stories can you share at the funeral? What is their testimony?
Some people are overly modest and might not want to be the center of attention, even at their own funeral. In such cases, assure them you will not glamorize their lives but you will have to talk for them. Encourage them to testify of their faith and to use their suffering as a stewardship for getting the gospel to those who will be left behind.
Some dying believers have even shared their testimonies in video format for the funeral, essentially saying, “I know where I am going and I hope you can join me there.” That is powerful.