Part Three in Bob Deffinbaugh’s Series on Elders and Fatherhood
We’ve concluded that the Scriptures don’t require elders’ kids to be professing believers, but they do require an elder to be a good manager of his family.
How can an elder know if a child’s sin is being dealt with properly? Here are five principles Bob recommends:
1. Take sin seriously.
We would do well to remember how serious God was about rebellious children:
“If any man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or his mother, and when they chastise him, he will not even listen to them, then his father and mother shall seize him, and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gateway of his hometown. They shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey us, he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death; so you shall remove the evil from your midst, and all Israel will hear of it and fear” (Deut. 21:18–21).
How does a father respond when his child is guilty of dissipation (reckless living) or rebellion (see Prov. 28:7, Eph. 5:18, 1 Tim. 1:9, Titus 1:10, and 1 Peter 4:4)? His response indicates how serious he is about sin. If he minimizes or excuses sin in his child, he’ll likely respond similarly to sin and rebellion in the church.
2. Distinguish between occasional foolish behavior and being a fool.
Occasional foolishness is part of every child’s nature, but there’s hope: discipline may be instrumental in bringing the behavior under control (Prov. 22:15). It’s when foolishness develops into a consistent pattern that the Bible calls this person a “fool” (see Prov. 14:16, 15:5, 27:22).
A certain amount of foolishness and rebellion are to be expected, but never accepted. Likewise, the church should find sin and rebellion unacceptable, whether it be in an elder’s child, a church member, or an elder. When a pattern of persistent sin develops in spite of faithful discipline and confrontation, stronger discipline is required.
3. Don’t use or require a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline.
“In my opinion,” Bob said, “a father should have a certain amount of latitude in how he deals with sin, depending on the child’s nature, age, and maturity; the surrounding circumstances; and the father’s leadership style. For some children, a word of rebuke is sufficient; for another, more aggressive discipline may be required (I speak not only as a father here, but also as a former elementary school teacher). We are often more judgmental about the way another believer disciplines his child than we are about how we discipline ours.”
Bob added that the way a father deals with his child’s sin indicates how he will deal with sin in the church at large.
4. Know that a man is accountable for how he disciplines, but not the results.
In 1 Timothy, Paul requires an elder to deal with his children “with all dignity” (1 Tim. 3:4). He also sets dignity as the standard for deacons—and all saints (1 Tim. 2:1–2, 3:8).
How does this come into play when evaluating a man for eldership? At Bob’s church, he and the other elders have collectively decided that an elder must exercise discipline within his family in a manner that manifests dignity—but that the elder shouldn’t be considered accountable for the outcome of that discipline.
“The Proverbs should serve as our guide,” Bob said. “Parents should diligently teach their children right and wrong and continually point out the consequences of sin and godly living, but the child has a decision to make—a decision that parents cannot make for them. Parents must exercise due diligence in the raising of their children, fully aware that the child will have to decide whether to accept or reject this instruction.”
5. Know that an elder is only accountable for how he leads his family and deals with sin while his children are under his authority in the home.
As children grow up and gain freedom and responsibility, they must begin to make decisions for themselves. Sometimes parents will even allow a child to make a foolish decision and endure the consequences as a learning experience.
When children go off to college, away from their parents’ watchful eyes, their newfound independence may lead to grievous choices. What then?
Bob and his fellow elders have concluded that if the child arrived at those decisions and lifestyles independently of the parents’ involvement and supervision, those decisions are not the parents’ responsibility. Having adult children who fail to live in a godly way does not disqualify a man as an elder.
“This is also a matter of personal conviction,” Bob added. “I have known of those who chose to step aside as an elder because of wayward children. I believe we must respect such decisions, even though we may feel they are not required.”
Bob’s series will wrap up next week with part four, where he’ll share the implications of Titus 1:6 for parents.