Part Four in Bob Deffinbaugh’s Series on Elders and Fatherhood
Over the past several weeks, we’ve learned a lot from Bob Deffinbaugh about elders and parenting, based on the elder qualifications in 1 Timothy and Titus. (Check out parts one, two, and three if you missed them.)
This week Bob shares what all Christians need to understand when applying Titus 1:6, which requires elders to have “faithful children who cannot be charged with dissipation or rebellion.” Here are his nine principles:
1. Avoid unrealistic expectations. There are no perfect parents (look at Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, Eli, Samuel, David, and Solomon for a few examples). Too many church members expect children to be perfect, especially when their father is church leader, and some children use this pressure as an excuse when they reject the faith. Titus 1:6 doesn’t imply perfection; it anticipates sin and evaluates an elder by how he responds to it.
2. Think twice giving or taking credit for godly (or ungodly) children. Though “bad parenting” does manifest itself in the life of a child, children are still accountable for their own sins. The book of Proverbs instructs parents to urge their children to choose the path of life, but ultimately the choice is the child’s. We dare not take credit for what God has done—His work in the lives of unworthy sinners is a work of grace.
3. Pray—because you aren’t ultimately “in control” of your children. As children grow older, we realize we can’t force them to become believers or obey God. We must resort to prayer, for only He can accomplish His purposes in the lives of our children.
4. Be wary of the claim that salvation is easier in early childhood. This claim originates from statistics, not the Scriptures—and some of early professions of faith that contribute to those statistics aren’t genuine. Besides, not everyone’s conversion can be pinpointed like the apostle Paul’s in Acts 9. We can’t identify the exact moment when our Lord’s disciples or Nicodemus came to a saving faith (see John 3:1-21; 7:50-53; 20:38-42). More than one person, and more than one encounter with the gospel, may be necessary (1 Cor. 3:5–10). While we should present the gospel to children every chance we get, salvation is ultimately God’s work, and the Holy Spirit plays a key role (see John 3:5-8; 16:7-11).
5. Don’t pressure a child to profess faith. If we assume children are more likely to receive the gospel at a younger age, we may be tempted to use our authority to convert the child, rather than rely on God to draw the child to faith. Yes, we must be persistent, not passive, about proclaiming the truth. But pressuring them can actually hinder the Spirit’s work.
6. Know that when a child turns from the faith, the way back may be painful. The prodigal son in Luke 15 had to spend a season in the pigpen before he realized what he had left behind. His father had to do the most painful thing of all: let his son go and learn the hard way. After words of warning, we leave our wayward children to God, who is an infinitely better Father than we will ever be.
7. Look to the right “Father” as our model of fatherhood (Eph. 3:14–15). God himself is the only ideal father in the Bible. If we are to learn to be better fathers, let us learn from Him.
8. Don’t overlook what the Bible foretells about families. The Scripture foretells both family division on account of the gospel (Matt. 10:34–37) and the promise of reunited families through our Lord Jesus (Malachi 4:4-6). Let us never forget that the final words of the Old Testament promise a time when Jesus will come and families will be restored.
9. Take comfort in Samson’s story (Judges 13–16). From the very beginning, Samson’s father, Manoah, sought God’s guidance for raising his promised son—and God answered. Though Samson rejected his parents’ instruction, he is listed in the “hall of faith” in Hebrews 11. God used Samson’s rebellion—which was all Samson’s own doing—for His own purposes. Though Samson’s rebellious path was painful, he eventually became a man of faith, a man whom we will see in heaven. And no one could be happier about this than Samson’s godly parents. Here is a word of hope for godly parents who currently are in agony over a wayward child. If our child is one of God’s chosen ones, he or she will be restored, though it may not be quickly or without pain.